“…not gay, metrosexual.”

In today’s fast fashion fad world of floral shirts and colossally oversized chinos, one can’t help but hearken back to days of yore, when fashion and manner were more respectable. In a different time, the suitably dressed gentleman needed only to pull his wool evening tail coat over a double breasted suit, set his stiffened collar high, and plunk his top hat on before gallivanting about town for an evening's enjoyment at a box social hosted by Lord Withersworth, Duke of Essington and Earl of Her Majesty’s East Trans-Jordan Territory. Sadly, this over complex, but all concealing manner of men’s fashion has, much like Trans-Jordan, disappeared.

What has replaced it in this contemporary era is something that confounds and irritates most rational men. No longer is fashion a matter of throwing on your waistcoat, short-tailed jacket, and riding hat. Instead, the fashion itself must be all encompassing, embracing every minute detail of ones life. Enter stage left; the “metrosexual.”

The term metrosexual was apparently coined by author and columnist Mark Simpson in 1994. The term has evolved to cover all men who are “fashion and appearance conscious”, “stylish”, “secure”, and “confident”. When such a catchy title appeared, closet metros burst forth from every crevice, and the media was simply smitten with the term. Soon after this bothersome play on words surfaced, sales of 3 in 1 conditioner skyrocketed, the silk shirt industry boomed, and sensibly clad men everywhere began exchanging their comfortable and durable all purpose plaid for designer brand apparel.

Over the years, this quasi-homo fad hasn’t faded. Indeed, it has gained strength and intensity, overcoming several dozen millennia worth of masculine male evolution. Pragmatically constructed men who could very well be swinging an axe or driving a vehicle with more than 17 wheels instead choose to shop at The Gap and sip Tall Decaff Mocha Frapachino Americanas. Undeniably, this is an infliction on modern society, one that hasn’t been quelled in the slightest by the existence of ludicrously violent Mel Gibson movies, or the continued bulky presence of Chuck Norris.

Sadly, even as we struggled to get a grip on the new metrosexual craze, another unbearably frustrating term arose, rurosexual. This is used to describe a small town country boy who exhibits the standard metrosexual signs, but still “keeps a pair of riding boots in the cupboard.” Which is to say that he may, or may not partake in certain activities with a certain equestrian mammal. The observant spectators among us have long since noticed this rurosexual fad has slipped into the most manly of our society’s institutions. Country music, for example, has recently fallen ill to this infirmity. Stars with otherwise mannish 157 gallon hats and stalwart names like Paul Brandt and Keith Urban can be seen adorned with flaky getups and spiked hair.

No doubt feeling the need to strike back, an unknown non-metro, non-ruro fellow coined the term retrosexual, to describe an ‘old fashion guy’(that is, a male human who was assembled before 1994). Those lucid among us quickly saw this abomination in syntax and common reasoning as only adding to the problem, and quickly lynched the author. His writings, constructs, and indeed his very identity have since rightly been destroyed, in hopes that the term retrosexual will not catch on.

So what can be done about this incommodious trend? Well first off, we should realize that, despite the “modern”, “enlightened” metrosexual claims, it is not a new fad. Terms like "prissy" and "dandy" were invented long ago to describe those practically gay among us. Indeed, I expect that with the rise of metrosexuality, we will see an increase in the use of classic maxims like “look at that prissy” and “yeah, he’s a real dandy boy”. Looking at times past, we should realize that 400 years ago the average fellow could be spotted wearing skin tight leggings, bulbous shirts, and copious amounts of make-up, just like the modern day peculiarity, Ricky Martin. Furthermore, we must understand that in a caring, just, and lawful society, it is unlikely that a legal ban on “Old Navy” and “L’Oreal for Men products” will ever be put in place. Thus, our only action can be that of self preservation.

To avoid being tainted by metrosexuality, be sure to take the following steps: Keep your selection of footwear down to an old pair of sneakers and twelve pairs of steel toed boots. Watch Chuck Norris’ “Walker: Texas Ranger” at least 5 times a week. Make sure your bathroom contains no more than the following items: one bar of industrial strength soap, one tooth brush(optional in England), and one stick of deodorant(optional in France). Sustain yourself only on Crazy Ed's Cave Creek Chili Beer and Kraft Dinner. Finally, wear just old torn plaid t-shirts and oil stained jeans.

With these steps taken, you may rest assured that not only will you not be mistaken for a metrosexual, you will most likely be recognized as something other than human.