In writing a post a little while back, I revealed that I have been working on a sitcom pilot starring Slobodan Milosevic and Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, Slobodan’s most untimely(for me, and I’d assume him too) passing has put a stop to my plans. At one point, CBS recommended that I replace Slobodan with another “tyrannical strongman”, George Bush. I refused and my deal with them has since fallen through. As such, I have decided to release a portion of the pilot script for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
I Dream of Mussolini
(UK title I Love Lucifer )
Episode #0101 (Pilot)
Written by Junker P. Pennington and Larry David
Starring: Saddam Hussein as himself. Slobodan Milosevic as himself.
Guest Staring: Kim Jong-il as “delivery guy”. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as “Khraihmir”. Jennifer Aniston as “Laura”.
Scene 1. Saddam’s and Slobodan’s shared apartment. Slobodan is sitting on the couch watching TV. Saddam walks in.
Slobodan
Well look who decided to show up….you know you’re late, and now dinner's colder than a mass grave. What in the name of Tito kept you?!
Saddam
Oh don’t start with me 'Slow-B'. You would not believe the traffic out on the I-83. I mean, I haven’t seen gridlock that bad since the “Highway of Death”.
Slobodan
Well, that’s still no excuse. You know, I put a lot of work into this. It’s delicious salmon, tomato salad, and lovely roasted red peppers.
Saddam
Wow, what’s with all of the red? I mean, I know you used to be a communist, but this really is too much.
Slobodan
Oh, ha ha. Anyway, this is no good now, and I’m still famished; these international tribunals really suck the life out of ya.
Saddam
Tell me about it. I got a jones for something Asian, how about Korean?
Slobodan
Sounds good to me.
Slobodan picks up the phone and dials. Khraihmir bursts through the door, half tripping on the way in.
Saddam
Hey look who’s here! Khraihmir! Did you manage to get that information that will clear my name?
Khraihmir
Whoa?!? Hang on now, what information?
Saddam
What do you mean ‘what information’? The documents, that will clear my name! You said that your friend Nuhmahn was getting them at the post office today?
Khraihmir
Oh. Ummm. Yeah. About that. Apparently Nuhmahn was picked up by the Americans today, at least that’s what my friend Bob Sahkamano said….
Saddam
What! Oh that’s just great! Listen, you’d better get down there right now and get it yourself. If I don’t have that information I’m gonna be jiving to the hang mans beat while I do the Mussolini swing!
Khraihmir
Hey, don’t worry buddy, I’ll get the info. You can count on me. Giddy up!
Khraihmir makes a bumbling exit. Slobodan gets off the phone.
Slobodan
I ordered from that place on the corner, they said it would be right over. Hey you never told me, how’d your date with Laura go?
Saddam
Oh, well, you know, it was good. Pretty good….
Slobodan
Good? Obviously it wasn’t. What’s your problem this time, she’s gorgeous right?
Saddam
Yeah….
Slobodan
I mean, she’s….well endowed, right? Like a pair of shallow grave mounds, so what’s your problem?!
Saddam
Well, yes, she’s a looker, but the thing is, I don’t think she’ll wear a burka…
Slobodan
Ahhhhhhhhhh, of course. She’s a ‘no-burky’.
Saddam
Yep, a hhhhhhuge ‘no-burky’.
Slobodan
Well isn’t that always the way, you find a great women, and it turns out she’s a ‘no-burky’….you know, there just aren’t enough fundamentalists around now-a-days.
Saddam
Tell me about it.
There is a knock on the door. A Korean delivery guy enters.
Slobodan
Kim Jong! What brings you to this end of the city?
Kim
Well, an order of Gul-bang-ee Mu Jim and Bulgoki….thing is, Communism just isn’t all that profitable now days, and no one is 'Lenin' me a hand....
Slobodan
Ah, tell me about it. I dropped that schtick a long time ago.
Kim
Yeah. I had to take up the delivery job on the side. Anyway, that’ll be $13.79.
Saddam
Oh, I’m a little short on cash right now. Do you take pre-2003 dinar?
Kim
Come on now Saddam.
Saddam
Ok, ok, how about oil vouchers?
Kim
Oooooo, sorry, no.
Saddam
Credit? You know I’m good for it Kimmy....either that or I could be your butler again for a while.
Kim
Alright, alright I'll put it on credit, but this is the last time. Anyway I’ve gotta run. Good luck with the trial Saddam, oh and death to the capitalist pigs 'Slow-B'.
Slobodan
Oh, hahaha, yes death to em all! We’ll see ya around Kim.
Kim exits. Suddenly a loud bang is heard. The apartment window cracks and a glass of Kool-aid shatters in Saddam’s hands. Saddam looks to find he is missing a finger.
Saddam
Oh! Oh! That’s just great! I just had this shirt dry-cleaned!
Slobodan
Boy, those victims families are a persistent bunch. I mean, I have one, maybe two assassination attempts a year. That was your third one this week! What do you figure, Kurds?
Saddam
Definitely persistent. I’ll tell you, it is a major annoyance, and what’s more, my cleaning bills are through the roof!
Episode #0101 (Pilot)
Written by Junker P. Pennington and Larry David
Starring: Saddam Hussein as himself. Slobodan Milosevic as himself.
Guest Staring: Kim Jong-il as “delivery guy”. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as “Khraihmir”. Jennifer Aniston as “Laura”.
Scene 1. Saddam’s and Slobodan’s shared apartment. Slobodan is sitting on the couch watching TV. Saddam walks in.
Slobodan
Well look who decided to show up….you know you’re late, and now dinner's colder than a mass grave. What in the name of Tito kept you?!
Saddam
Oh don’t start with me 'Slow-B'. You would not believe the traffic out on the I-83. I mean, I haven’t seen gridlock that bad since the “Highway of Death”.
Slobodan
Well, that’s still no excuse. You know, I put a lot of work into this. It’s delicious salmon, tomato salad, and lovely roasted red peppers.
Saddam
Wow, what’s with all of the red? I mean, I know you used to be a communist, but this really is too much.
Slobodan
Oh, ha ha. Anyway, this is no good now, and I’m still famished; these international tribunals really suck the life out of ya.
Saddam
Tell me about it. I got a jones for something Asian, how about Korean?
Slobodan
Sounds good to me.
Slobodan picks up the phone and dials. Khraihmir bursts through the door, half tripping on the way in.
Saddam
Hey look who’s here! Khraihmir! Did you manage to get that information that will clear my name?
Khraihmir
Whoa?!? Hang on now, what information?
Saddam
What do you mean ‘what information’? The documents, that will clear my name! You said that your friend Nuhmahn was getting them at the post office today?
Khraihmir
Oh. Ummm. Yeah. About that. Apparently Nuhmahn was picked up by the Americans today, at least that’s what my friend Bob Sahkamano said….
Saddam
What! Oh that’s just great! Listen, you’d better get down there right now and get it yourself. If I don’t have that information I’m gonna be jiving to the hang mans beat while I do the Mussolini swing!
Khraihmir
Hey, don’t worry buddy, I’ll get the info. You can count on me. Giddy up!
Khraihmir makes a bumbling exit. Slobodan gets off the phone.
Slobodan
I ordered from that place on the corner, they said it would be right over. Hey you never told me, how’d your date with Laura go?
Saddam
Oh, well, you know, it was good. Pretty good….
Slobodan
Good? Obviously it wasn’t. What’s your problem this time, she’s gorgeous right?
Saddam
Yeah….
Slobodan
I mean, she’s….well endowed, right? Like a pair of shallow grave mounds, so what’s your problem?!
Saddam
Well, yes, she’s a looker, but the thing is, I don’t think she’ll wear a burka…
Slobodan
Ahhhhhhhhhh, of course. She’s a ‘no-burky’.
Saddam
Yep, a hhhhhhuge ‘no-burky’.
Slobodan
Well isn’t that always the way, you find a great women, and it turns out she’s a ‘no-burky’….you know, there just aren’t enough fundamentalists around now-a-days.
Saddam
Tell me about it.
There is a knock on the door. A Korean delivery guy enters.
Slobodan
Kim Jong! What brings you to this end of the city?
Kim
Well, an order of Gul-bang-ee Mu Jim and Bulgoki….thing is, Communism just isn’t all that profitable now days, and no one is 'Lenin' me a hand....
Slobodan
Ah, tell me about it. I dropped that schtick a long time ago.
Kim
Yeah. I had to take up the delivery job on the side. Anyway, that’ll be $13.79.
Saddam
Oh, I’m a little short on cash right now. Do you take pre-2003 dinar?
Kim
Come on now Saddam.
Saddam
Ok, ok, how about oil vouchers?
Kim
Oooooo, sorry, no.
Saddam
Credit? You know I’m good for it Kimmy....either that or I could be your butler again for a while.
Kim
Alright, alright I'll put it on credit, but this is the last time. Anyway I’ve gotta run. Good luck with the trial Saddam, oh and death to the capitalist pigs 'Slow-B'.
Slobodan
Oh, hahaha, yes death to em all! We’ll see ya around Kim.
Kim exits. Suddenly a loud bang is heard. The apartment window cracks and a glass of Kool-aid shatters in Saddam’s hands. Saddam looks to find he is missing a finger.
Saddam
Oh! Oh! That’s just great! I just had this shirt dry-cleaned!
Slobodan
Boy, those victims families are a persistent bunch. I mean, I have one, maybe two assassination attempts a year. That was your third one this week! What do you figure, Kurds?
Saddam
Definitely persistent. I’ll tell you, it is a major annoyance, and what’s more, my cleaning bills are through the roof!
End of scene.
1 comment:
I'd see Bush fit in there quite well though.
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