Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Fatwa Reality TV

Celestial Junk prides itself on its hard hitting analysis of current events and global happenstance. In order to stay on top in this game, our organization, like any other in “the business”, must maintain useful and timely sources to assure we have all of the latest breaking news. While this point applies to important, world shaping news, there is also a certain crossover into lighter entertainment reports, which is exactly the occurrence today.

One of Celestial Junk’s exclusive sources has given us an inside look at this fall’s yet to be released Middle Eastern Reality TV lineup. Enjoy, and remember, you saw it here first at CJunk, “the most unadjusted name in news”.

Pimp My Jihad

Tagline: More Bling for your Bang!

This show features young upstart Jihadis who send in audition tapes trying to convince show host Mullah Xplozive to “pimp their Jihad”. After the audition segment, the Mullah pays a surprise visit to the participant's home (usually under cover of darkness and in disguise) where he commences pimping the Jihad. With the help of Al Qaeda Costumes, the Jihad is “totally tricked out”. The final segment of the show is the trademark “Xploding” finale. In addition to their new pimped Jihad, all participants receive 72 virgins.

Big Brother: Iran Edition

Tagline: Mullahs Watching You.

Conceived, ironically, by a group of people entirely out of touch with reality, Big Brother: Iran Edition, is advertised as a more ambitious version of the popular western series. The show features over 65 million participants isolated in a large west-Asiatic nation where their every move and thought is monitored. Participants are periodically “eliminated” from the reality show, and from reality as well. In a recent interview, show producer Muhammad Babaganoosh of MGM productions (Muhammad-Gaza-Mahir) mused over his creation, saying, “The whole experience has just been wonderful, death to George Bush! The cast is great, the crew is dedicated, and the fans are devoted, death to Zionists! All around its just been the experience of a lifetime, and I thank Allah for the opportunity every day. Oh, and death to infidels!”

Zealous Eye for the Blasphemous Guy

Tagline: Five Fanatics - Out to make-over the world - One infidel at a time.

Zealous Eye is something of a crossover show featuring elements of reality television, make-over TV, and barbaric violent religious fanaticism. It stars five flamingly fanatical theocrats (the “drab five”) who completely make-over a participant’s wardrobe and home décor, eliminating any hint of western influence and sacrilege. The show has been the target of much criticism for allegedly perpetuating a stereotypical and clichéd image of fanatics. Show producers responded to the criticisms saying simply, “We’re here, we’re zealots, get used to it!”

The Simple Life: Mujahedeen

Tagline: From Filthy Rich to Tiny Bits.

The Simple Life features the wacky exploits and off-the-wall unscripted comedy of once rich Saudi socialites as they struggle to survive in the Hindu Kush. While much of the action isn’t captured on film, the participants appear at irregular intervals in “candid confessionals”. The high “turnover” of participants in The Simple Life has had an adverse effect on its ratings.

Fatwa Factor

Tagline: Fatwa Factor: Have You Gat-wa’ it Takes?

Each week, contestants on Fatwa Factor are forced to face their biggest fears and find out if they have the guts to see through their Fatwa. Filmed in sunny Guantanamo Bay, the show has often been criticized for its “shocking” and “over the top” stunts, which have in previous seasons included feeding contestants “infidel” cuisine, reading from Korans printed in Tel Aviv, sitting on made-in-USA prayer rugs, and being forced to negotiate truthfully. Further stunts included physical contact with female guards, listening to rock music, and gazing at illustrated images of Muhammad.

Extreme Conversion

Tagline: Finally, a Makeover show willing to go ‘Allah’ the Way.

Billed as a “makeover show for the modern extremist”, Extreme Conversion takes place in numerous 1st world countries. Contestants must be 2nd or 3rd generation citizens whose parents and grandparents immigrated to the host country. Each contender, an everyday "average Jamal", must attempt to undergo a “conversion to the extreme!” The makeover is often so extensive that close friends and family cannot even identify the remaining "bits" of the contender.

Who Wants to be a Martyr

Tagline: Martyrdom made Easy.

Hailed by the Gaza Strip Gazette as the greatest television show since Everybody Loves Yasser, Martyr is unique among game/reality shows in that every contestant is a winner. After the “fastest trigger finger” opening round, host Riyah Philbin puts participants in the “hotseat”, a vehicle loaded with explosives. There, contestants must use their wit and savvy to answer the tough questions posed by border guards. Once through, contestants choose from ironically titled “lifelines”. They can use a “50/50” (50% explosive, 50% nails), “Call an IED”, or “Ask Pedestrians for directions to the nearest bus stop or cafe."

For further Fatwa reading, see:

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