Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Celestial Junk Q&A

Over the years, our once humble blog has grown considerably in popularity and notoriety. Once declared “the mad traditionalist ramblings” of two redneck Bohemian Neo-Con “nut jobs” by Dick Cheney, Celestial Junk is now renowned around the world for its “inexplicably juvenile” reporting and “frankly, odd” writing style.

For instance, said pundit Mark Steyn in private conversation with the Cjunk duo Paul and Junker, “Like my assistant already explained to you gentlemen, I’m only signing my books, and I certainly wouldn’t sign your copy of Mein Kampft under any circumstances, now please move along, there are many others waiting behind you.” A master of prose, truly Steyn’s words capture the very essence of Celestial Junk.

With an ever-growing fan base there is a naturally increasing demand for information about the blogging phenomenon that is Celestial Junk. While our feature Celestial Junk: Between the Posts did much to quell the insatiable demand for Cjunk gossip by Junkies (Cjunk fans), we are still continually bombarded with questions. As surely as our mailbox is filled with Cease and Desist letters, Plagiarism Lawsuit declarations, and Restraining Orders from popular right wing pundits, so to it is filled with fan mail and a plethora of questions about CJunk.

So, with much pleasure, we have taken it upon ourselves to post a few of those letters, and answer them to the best of our abilities. Enjoy, and for all you Junkies out there, remember, “Live Long and Procrastinate”.

Q: As a Psychiatrist and fellow writer, I’m curious about where you guys get your ideas? I mean, seriously, what sort of mental instability or childhood trauma produces such twisted, malicious, and scatological editorials? Even as a trained Psycho Annalist and doctor, I cannot even begin to hazard a guess. Please seek professional help.

P.S. I do owe you a minor thanks of sorts; your works provided the cornerstone of the thesis in my Masters term paper Irrational Neurosis and Acute Immorality in Modern Man. Thanks, I guess.

Dr. Diana Thompson
(Address withheld)

A: Hahaha. We’re glad to see the CJunk tradition of wit and humor in writing is alive within our readers. In answer to your question about our inspiration, it would take an entire article to answer completely as we draw our ideas from a plethora of sources. To name just a few: the poetry of Genghis Khan, Hustler magazine, the woefully undervalued Carrot Top, The New Yorker, Rush Limbaugh, the personal memoirs of Henry IIX, The Davinci Code, and country music virtuoso Kenny Rogers.

Q: In your article Malevolence and Satanic Ritual in Modern Liberals I feel that you did nothing to support a great many outrageous claims about the opposite side of the political spectrum. Among many wild accusations, you claim that Hilary Clinton is a Succubus in personal contact with Beelzebub, the New Democratic Party of Canada was founded by witches, and Bill Maher is a werewolf. Having presented these claims, you continued the article with a string of malicious, nonsensical curses and then recommended that your readers go out and purchase large amounts of garlic and a supply of silver bullets. I pray that this sort of insanity is not what has become of the Conservative movement.

Brian Smith
(Address withheld)

A: Well certainly we at Celestial Junk don’t expect to win 100% approval of our controversial articles, that’s why they’re called controversial. You win some and you lose some, it's all part of the business. Besides, we quite frankly don’t want the approval of blood sucking night stalkers like you Brian Smith. So take your Vampirism back to the Blue States where the rest of your wicked ilk lurks. I’m sure with a little monetary contribution the Democratic Party will have a coffin waiting for you. Now be gone dark one!

Q: Hello CJunk. Long time reader, first time writer-inner, and lifelong Junkie. I’d just like to say that your writing is truly an inspiration to me. Reading and re-reading your articles really helps make my time in the bunker fly by. Just like bayonet drills and Spam, you’ve become a part of my daily routine. More than that, you’re my motivation to continue the struggle against “the man”. Never stop writing.

P.S. I’m well armed with silver bullets in a variety of calibers, but I can’t help but feel this might not be enough. Any other suggestions?

Grand Deacon Carl Hobart
Little Falls, Minnesota

A: It’s good to hear from a true fan. And it never ceases to amaze us how many of our readers own their own bunker. As for your question, we have found that the continued verbal recital of a passage of Mark Steyn or Victor Davis Hanson is usually enough to dissuade the most determined Lib-Vampire. Thanks again for the encouraging letter Carl!

Q: The offices of Johnson and Weinstein, representing Mark Steyn, herby present to the above mentioned proprietors and owners of Celestial Junk an Order of Restraint. The details of the order, including full terms of restraint, are attached as Annex 1. Please refer to Criminal Code 11.216 section C for further details. This Order expires 30 Nov 2022. Be advised that this order is a completely separate legal matter from the pending aggravated assault trial involving the above mentioned party.

Johnson and Weinstein Law Firm
New York, New York

A: It’s nice to see that our old pal Mark Steyn hasn’t grown too “big” to write in once and a while, even if he does have his “people” doing the writing. Fantastic to hear from ya Mark! Hope everything is going well. We look forward to meeting you again in court, and hope you have time to throw the ol’ “John Hancock” on a few of our books.

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