Everybody Fops

Modern Day Fops

The peculiar post-contemporary idiosyncrasy known as “metrosexuality” certainly holds a place among the most memorable of modern man’s inventions. The idea was simply suggested, and decades of the feminization of modern man primed the perfect soil into which the seeds of metrosexuality were planted. With the seeds being lovingly nurtured by the likes of Ricky Martin, Keith Urban, and Tom Cruise, there was no stopping the craze.

The concept of a metrosexual is easy enough to grasp, yet the deeper you delve into the notion, the harder it is to understand. A man in a flowery silk shirt and Cabin Creek Charcoal Flat Front Stretch Cord Chinos is a simple concept on the surface. However, when you dig deeper you are forced to ask why said male spends $150 for his “totally ‘feugo’” haircut and highlights.

Furthermore, what madness drives him to spend an hour in front of the mirror each morning gelling it just so. Considering that silk shirt is a “GAP Original” it is safe to assume that our test subject entered The Gap, an altogether inexplicable act in itself. Finally, what mental anguish coerces him into Starbucks to order Tall Decaff Mocha Frapachino Americanas instead of the sacred simplicity of a ‘Timmies double double’?

To be sure, this example of a metrosexual is a baffling case study, but to be fair, it is not unique. Each individual case of metrosexuality is equally puzzling. The budding scientific field of metrosexology has taught us this, among many other things. Building on the research done by the world’s premier metrosexuologists, I recently funded a new branch of scientific methodology. This new field of study, Anthropogenic Metrosexuology, is the study of the origins of metrosexuality. The results of my studies, while still preliminary, are shocking to say the least.

What my research has unveiled is this; the origins of metrosexuality lay not in 1994 with columnist Mark Simpson’s coining of the term, nor do they lay in the parachute pants and scrunch socks of the 80’s, the openly Village People adoring 70’s, or even the brazenly flowery, though at times malodorous, 1960’s.

Allow me to quote a paragraph from an earlier paper I penned entitled “…not gay, metrosexual”:

... we should realize that, despite the “modern”, “enlightened” metrosexual claims, it is not a new fad. Terms like "prissy" and "dandy" were invented long ago to describe those practically gay among us. Indeed, I expect that with the rise of metrosexuality, we will see an increase in the use of classic maxims like “look at that prissy” and “yeah, he’s a real dandy boy”. Looking at times past, we should realize that 400 years ago the average fellow could be spotted wearing skin tight leggings, bulbous shirts, and copious amounts of make-up, just like the modern day peculiarity, Ricky Martin.

My research has also exposed the fact that mankind goes through certain natural fluctuating periods of metrosexual ambiance swing, similar to global temperature shifts. The last major peak of activity occurred during the Victorian era, when “fops” and “prissy boys” roamed freely through the modern world. Found adorned in foot high top hats and puffy front silk dress shirts, the common 19th century fop was rarely found outdoors and could often be heard “guffawing” or “pssshoffffing” at the droll quips of his equally foppish mates.

Fops were also responsible for conceiving brutally complex names for the simple new inventions of the era. Examples of this include the Horseless Aluminium Aero-Steed (airplane), the Tubular Heluminium Aero-Yacht (zeppelin), the Petroleum Fueled Hydro-Zeppelin (submarine), the Metallurgical Garment Clasp (zipper), the Distance Amplifying Corded Voice Purveyor(telephone), and the Foot-Propelled Metallurgical Traveling Mount (bicycle).

Naturally, this leads us to the question of when the current metrosexual trend will diminish. As the world’s leading expert on the matter, I frankly confess that there is no certain way of telling. While the resurgence of uber-manly endeavors like Rambo and Walker: Texas Ranger by the anti-metros Sylvester Stalone and Chuck Norris respectively suggest a decline, the continued existence of Boy Bands and American Idol suggest just the opposite. The only sure path for humanity to follow at this point is to draw strength from the stoutness of our ancestors, who weathered their own global metro crisis, and to continue relentlessly ridiculing the metros among us.